You can make your own decisions.

I believe in god. And I love going to church and being in the christan faith, it means the world to me. My boyfriend thinks that because I haven't always been this way that I'm changing and making him change. Which isn't true I do what I do and he does what he does. He isn't involved in it at all. But when I feel weird about sex now because I sined and god is disipling me it makes me just turned off and I'm just not into it. But when my boyfriend and I got into a fight over it, it was like our whole relationship was about sex and now I really don't know about us. He already said that its weird to look at me now so he pretty much said it loud and clear. Plus he said that I don't care or love him. I had enough I couldn't handle it. I thought that it was done for us but now he is texting  me saying that were not cause of whatever. But I will never change back for anyone. I love God and he is LORD of my life and I wont let someone ruin that.. Ever.

Related. But Not Sisters.

I want my sister back. Even though we never had the perfect relationship we still knew how to have a good time. We used to do the weirdest thing together and always have a good time. Yes we had our fights and some were worse then others but we still could makeup but now its like we can't. We both live with two different parents and don't talk to eachother at school. Whenever I'm at my dads we never talk and its always awkward when I'm hear cause I feel like the old one out. I had only been here once for dinner and we all hung out and had a good time and the next time was my first time here sleeping over and we had a blast, we stayed up all night and made funny videos. But then once I started seeing her stauts and it looked like she had something going on I go worried and told my mom. I didn't say anything other then that I was worried about her and wanted to talk to her about it but we never had the type of relationship that heart to hearts would happen. I mean I told her a lot about my life and I told her somethings that not even my friends know about I even told her that I has lost my v-card to my boyfriend before I told my parents. But when it came to her she said nothing ever happened in her life and nothing was intrested. I got the short end of the stick. If I could have our relationship back I would love it even if I was the only one telling her stuff it would be a start. It would mean something. It makes me cry all the time that I don't have someone to fall back on other then my mom. Its just the way my life is. I really do hope that we can actually have a good relationship in tthe future and she will understand that I really do care about her. I want her to know that she can trust me and tell me anything and I wont tell a soul. I feel she is under the devil right now and I want to pull her out. Everyone tells me that we will have a relationship in the future and my sister will see that she is being dumb. And will come around all I can do is pray to god that she see's that my mom and I love her and want the best for her every day. Its hard to see my life without her I wish we could do things like sisters do like go get our nails done but that is just going to have to wait until later for us. One day it will happen but for right now the ball is in her court and I will be waiting off side until she needs me to help her play.

This Weekend

So this weekend I'm spending time at my dads. Uusally its a chill weekend for me here and I can just get off with doing nothing, haning out with my sisters and dad and just enjoy it. But since my sister isn't talking to me (wants nothing to do with me.) Its very awkward, theres a lot of tension in the room when we are all together. So I like to advoid it as much as possiable. I'm planing tomorrow to go and get my nails done, spend as much time as I can with my grand parents and then when we have to come back to my dads. My sister only leaves her room when I'm gone so I guess I would be doing her a favor... I don't know. All I can say is I hope this weekend goes good. Keep em' crossed.

Connor 'Con Con' Crosland

Makes my day! :)

&

Tyler 'Tiger' Neale
Is an amazing bud! :)

You put me through a guilt trip so I will forgive you. Is that the way your suppose to treat your girlfriend. Yes I care about school and I'm going to do anything for my education that doesn't mean you have to talk shit to my friends and say that I only care about school and not you. Right now I'm beyonded pissed off.

Bad Mood

So all I want if for somone to care about how I feel. I don't ask for a lot just to be respected and don't go behind my back. You know I hate drugs more than anything and know that I've grown up around it and its the reason my life has been so hard at times, but does that mean anything to you? You say you forgot you had class when you walked me to mine and ours is right beside eachother. I wouldn't care as much if you were doing work you need to do to pass. But when you say your going to hang out with me at lunch and you come back late high. I know that you didn't forget. All the time you tell me how sorry you are and how you are going to change how much you do it and each time I believe you but nothing ever changes. Its the same thing every time. & I keep forgive you. You can't say one thing to my face and do another behind my back. It hurts me more than you know, to have to look in your eyes and all I see is red and when you talk it all sounds the same and I don't understand. I'm tired of this and no matter how hard I try it doesn't make a difference. I just wish you could actually try wait not scatch that don't try just do. I know it may be hard but you will start to see less of me if it doesn't stop because you know that I don't like being around you when your life that. So please, you don't have to do it for me even though you should. But if you could just do it for our relationship.

Hmmm... so today I found out who my true friends are. People who say there your friend and say you can trust them with the world. Do a back ground check on them because half the time they will end up stabbing you in the back. Lovely.

Who' Next

Its hard to live my life everyday wondering who is going to walk away next, I have already lost my dad, sister and aunt. This isn't how I pictured my life being. I though things would be different. I've been through sexual and physical events that I need my family around me to keep me strong but I can't have my family in a room together without them fighting. I wish things were different. I want them to care.

not feeling great tonight, feeling depressed and blowted. im more exhusted than ever and i can't even fall asleep... ughh.

Life is like a roller coaster, there will be ups and downs. One second you’ll be at the top and the other you will be at the bottom. You have 2 choices, either be scared and complain, or put your hands in the air, scream and have fun :)

karma: effect of an action.

I'm Perfectly Me

Everyday since second semester I was called a guys name by my math teacher, I didn't take it to heart at first because I knew that he was just joking around and that he would cut it out soon. But he never did if anything it only go worse and it made my selfesteam go down a lot! Even my close guy friends would start calling me guy names like "Emilio", "Ameal" and things like that. It started to eat away at me and going to math class was a nightmare. This went on for a month before I started leaving class to go to the washroom and would really go cry. And when I got home and knew I was alone I would cry again. Finally I desiced to tell my mom that what my math teacher had started and really hurt me and was effecting me in a big way. Now he looks at me like like I'm a tattle tale and now just calls me Emily. As far as my friends only a few know how it really did hurt me, the others look at me like nothings wrong. I'm learning to deal with what people say because not everyone is going to like me. And I know who to keep by my side so I don't think bad on myself.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 Down below there are something that girls think to themselves everyday. We all have problem that we wish we could change but lets face it no one puts it better Gaga, we were born this way! Everyone is different and you can't try and be someone else or evern look like them it wont work. God made you the way you are today for a reason what that reason my be, beats me I'm still trying to figure it out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My body isny't perfect
I don't walk with condfidence
I get into fights with my parents and friends
Some nights I'd rather be by myself then out partying
I cry over the smallest things sometimes
Theres some days that I get through with forced smiles and fake laughs
Sometimes I try to condvince myself that things are ok when there not
I'm not ugly but I'm not beautiful
I don't look as good in real life as I do in pictures
There are some nights that I cry myself to sleep
I think that I'm not good enough
I'm imperfect, but perfectly me.

I can do this, I can do this.

I want to get healthy and fit not just for summer but for every other day. And so far it isn't going the best. I didn't eat healthy at all today and I feel really heavy at that moment. I say this every time but I wish I was capable to do this without any problem but the truth is that its HARD. Losing weight isn't something that I can just set my mind to drive into without a plan. I need to figure things not just when I'm going to work out but what things I should be eating and what I really need to say away from. The last time that I tried to get my body and health to the way I want was about a month or so ago. I felt amazing because I was running and doing fun workouts that made me happy about my body but then all of a sudden something happeneds in my life that makes me not foucs on the end result. Whenever I try really hard to not foucs on the issues in my life I end up failing. I need away that I can stick to the goals that I have planed for the summer so when I come back in the fall I can have a new body, mind and spirt. I feel more depremined then ever this summer to make a difference in my life and teach myself that a lot of work goes a long way and it will help me for the rest of my life. The only thing standing in my way right now is getting there. I know its something I really want and I WILL do anything and everything to get myself there.

I♥Pink

love

Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is. But I´m a tell you what true love is. Love is not what you see in the movies. Its not the ecstasy its not what you see in that scene you know what I mean? I´m telling you right now true love is sacrifice. Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself ,love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love. Love is when you lay down your life for another whether for your brother your mother your father or your sister its even laying down your life for your enemies that´s unthinkable but think about that. Love is true. Think. 

Your confidence and your smile are the best accesories you can wear, never leave home without them.

I believe..

i believe everything happens for a reason, and i believe that everyone is entitled to thier own opinions. I believe that opinons should matter to everyone and that every opinon should be taken into consideration. I believe that everybody needs inspiration.

HAHAHA

Physical Abuse

Physical Abuse is wrong. I'm apart of a movement to stop it. I was once beaten by a boyfriend for not doing what he wanted me to do. But I stood up for myself and ending up walking away from the relationship. I didn't mention this in "My Life" posting because I wanted to address it here. If you are being physically abused don't worry your not the only one and there is places and people who you can go and get help from. I've been through it and I felt like I had no one but the truth is that no matter what there will always be someone.

This picture that I'm posting is from a Courage project I did in school, showing that I walked away from physical abuse. The bruises are fake I recreated the ones I had with make up.



My tattoo.

Want to get another one my wrist saying. Blessed.

My Life.

When people met me for the first time I look like I don't have any problems. But the truth is I've been through a lot of pain that not a lot of my friends can relate to. To start off everyone at least has one problem in their lives that impacts what they do for the rest of their lives. I used to be the type of person who would get very attacted to people and when they hurt me it would kill me inside. But that has changed now. When I was around 7 years old to when I was ten, I was sexually abused by my brother who is around 10 years older then me. Later I found out that he isn't my biological brother. My dad has adopted him when he was born. When my dad was with his first wife. Even though it was just last summer that I remembered these events happening and I'm sixteen years old now it still look quite a toll on my life. I had just remembed the events when I was at my boyfriends house when we were haning out. And from then on whenever I was around guys I would remember even more. A few weeks after I told my boyfriend of what had happened he wanted me to tell my parents when I was ready cause I hadn't told them when I was little. But I wasn't ready. One summer night my boyfriend was over and I lost it. I started acting crazy and crying costantly remembing images of me getting rapped. Of course it was hard for my boyfriend to understand. Later in that night it got worse and I started going insane I locked my self in the bathroom and cryed on the bathroom floor. After my boyfriend got in he said I was hitting my head agaisnt the wall. Eyes rolling into the back of my head. And saying it was my fault my brother did what I did. After this there was nothing else my boyfriend could do but go and get my mom. She was there to comfort me and took me to go talk to someone who helped. I was very fragiel to talk to about it and had a hard few weeks after that. Police were involved because I was a minor. But charges were dropped because he was my brother and it was a long time ago and my memory wasn't the best on the event. I wasn't able to talk to him for a while and I we talk at time through MSN but I can't come to bring myself to see of talk to him in person or  on the phone.



I always through that I had great parents that loved eachother to much split up. Again I was wrong. My parents got into disagreements and would get into fights but isn't that normal? I always got involved and would run down and try and get them to stop. Even when I was little and it hurt me to see some of the things that had happened. In 2010 my parents go into a fight at my cottage and I thought it was all over from then on. But things go a bit better when we go home until my parents go into a fight like no other and my mom was in a bad place and looked like she wasn't going to be in my life anymore. But my dad ended up leaving for a bit. After a few days they talked and things didn't resolve. So one day my dad called my mom to come and pick him up and she said she wanted a month a part so she could get the help she needed. My dad didn't take this lightly and things got bad between eachother and they never go back together. My dads family has cut of my mom and took a part of me with them. I don't talk to my aunt anymore because she doesn't support me at all. I see my grandparents ever so often and I never get phone calls from my dad. I only see and hear from him when he comes to get me and my sister on his weekend.
My younger sister Alissa and my mom have never really gotten along since my mom and dad had my other little sister Autumn. But when my dad wasn't living in my house anymore it was like my mom and sister were getting along more until one night when things got bad and I woke up to four police men standing in my bedroom at 11 at night. After thing between them weren't good they never talked and my sister only came down for meals. One night my mom wanted help with the dishes and my sister wouldn't come so my mom got mad cause she asked so many times for help. Once my sister came down the fighting only just began. That night my sister said that she hated my mom and didn't want to live at my house anymore so she left the next day.
The relationship I have with my sister isn't good. My mom, littlest sister and I have a good relationship but Alissa and I don't. After she left it was hard cause I lost my dad and my sister, who next? I never talked about my sister behind her back. We didn't always gett along but thats just how sisters are sometime. But now my sister doesn't trust me and thinks that I'm turning out to be just like my mom. She has sent me messages saying that I'm dead to her and we might be blood related but were not sisters. My friends tell me not to worry but thats family who doesn't you to be in their lives and that hurts. Right now I no longer have her on facebook and we don't ever talk. Barley ever even when I go to my dads.
My relationship with my mom is awesome! I love my mom and she is my hero. She has been through so much she was raped as a little girl to and has metal health problems. Like bipolar and anxiety. She was addicted to weed for quite a few years and was put on house arrest for stealing money. Even though she came clean she still had consiquences. She has gotten so much help and has found god. She is now a changed person and says that she wouldn't change the desions that she made in the world for anything because those mistakes are what has brought her to where she is today and made her the person she is.


Even though I have had a lott of troubles in my life. I have learned so much and know that I grew up great. I have kept the people who really care about me in my life. I wont change for anyone. I know who I am and who I want to be, no one can take that from me! Im proud of how I have over come great problems and I'm open to everyone who asks about what I've been through. I'm not ashamed.

Don't Try. Just Do.

I have always had a problem with my weight, even as a little kid. And no matter how hard I tried I would always find myself waking up motivated on a diet. Happy. End the day as a failure. Unhappy. I don't think that I'm over wait but I don't think that I have a good health body either. I have tried so hard to get into shape and its so hard when you have no motivation. My boyfriend and mom say I'm just fine which doesn't make me push myself when I'm on the tredmail. I always say "I'll do better tomorrow." I want to get into shape and be health not be be skinny and prove a point but to feel good about myself and be happy with the way I feel inside and out. I have made many goals to lose weight and get into shape but all I do is keep failing. So this summer I'm going to try and work up the strenght and movtivation to keep going, no matter what. All I can do is pray that I can do this.

Please?



Secrets.

Everyone person

has at least one secret

that would break your heart.